Getting Hungry

After three to four days of failed fasting, I succeeded.  But, Emily, how can you possibly succeed after failing? Well, let me explain.

So I initially started my fast on Sunday morning.  I was ready to go and pumped about it.  That entire day, I was successful in abstaining from food.  "No problem, God. I got this," was my thought.  Then dinner came along and I caved.  I compromised my fast just because I didn't want my parents to feel bad about cooking such a great meal and have me not eat.  Hm . . . Monday morning, oh boy did I fail. I nibbled on a strawberry, spitting it out after realizing that I was supposed to continue my fast.  Tuesday I was successful the entire day.  And I am proud to say that today I was successful until (obviously) I ended my fast.

So what did I get out of that?  How am I concluding that I succeeded after obviously failing in my attempts to deprive myself of food?  

Simple.  In my attempts to deprive myself of food and search for spiritual dependency, I noticed that I was leaning on my own confidence and strength thinking that I could handle an easy fast by myself when I should have had total dependence on Christ.  In other words, I had more worldly dependency than spiritual dependency. 

Silly me.  

I need(ed) to depend 100% on God and go to him when I felt hungry.  I did for a majority of the fast . . . but in those few times that I didn't, I compromised myself.  

And that makes me think: Am I going to compromise myself and what I believe when something real (outside of a fast) comes my way?  

Am I going to lean on my own understanding and be confident in my flesh when I should be leaning on the Holy Spirit's guidance?  

When I'm so hungry for (spiritual) nourishment, who or what am I going to dive after?  Is my first resort worldly nourishment or the only satisfying nourishment my body can get (that being God, the sustainer of life)?

See, in my vulnerability (hunger and wanting to taste something), I caved and went after food without first seeking the Father.  What does that make me think of myself?  Oo-wee, I need a spiritual bath and to stop being so confident in myself.  "I got this, God," is an attitude that doesn't reflect a heart totally relying upon Christ.  See, I don't always "got this".  I can't; I'm limited.  

For spiritual dependency, one needs to rely on the power of God, not the worldly "wisdom" of the world.  One should not rely on what they hear or see (even if it's your own words and "logical" train of thought as to how valid it is to eat that strawberry during your fast or not), but on God alone.

And it seems that when you get spiritual dependency- or perhaps actually depend on God- He reveals wisdom through the Holy Spirit.  And get this: it's free!  Oh, guess what!  There's more.  The Holy Spirit will also teach truth, reveal spiritual value vs. the values of the world, and help give you the mind of God.  Spiritual dependency directs your christian living.  When you just shut up and stop thinking so highly of yourself, you will develop a spiritual dependency on God and not on man.

Where are you getting this from, Emily? Oh you know . . . just the good ol' Word of God.  *cough* 1 Corinthians 2:1-16 *cough* 

Also, I just want to emphasize this verse, as it had a lot of impact on me:

". . . I relied on God's Spirit to demonstrate God's power.  If this were not so, your faith would be based on human wisdom and not the power of God." (My bible is "The Voice" version, and I happen to be a huge fan of it.)

A Key to the Kingdom

Friends:

I'm going to Alaska, and as I prepare myself mentally, physically, spiritually . . . I decided to take on a fast. And today, I was revealed some things:

Fasting is a key that can bring us into kingdom living; it's a means of suffering for the Lord.  I mean, really, what's a few days without food when Jesus was beaten almost to the point of death for us? Fasting for a few days is like getting something in your eye and having it irritate you in comparison to what He went through.

So why fast? Well, some of the main points for fasting are to cleanse ourselves spiritually and to open up our spiritual eyes.  Fasting is basically telling your earthly body, "Hey . . . Christ Jesus is much stronger than you and your worldly desires and needs, so I'm going to rely on Him . . . not you."  We must put our flesh and worldly "strength" into submission/subjection to the Spirit (Matt. 4:4).  Fasting builds our Faith and makes it easier to hear God's voice.  When we fast, we should be seeking Him only and focusing on Him.  The more you do that and rely on Him for sustainability (He is the Rock after all . . why not build your foundation on that?) the more in tune you are going to get with Him.

Now, Matthew 6:16-18 tells us to fast secretly.  So y'all suppose I'm telling the blog-world a secret . . . and that's a no-no! Tsk tsk! Emily is not doing it right!  Well, I don't think that's really the point here.  I think in saying that we should fast in secret means that we should fast for the Lord and for Him only.  That's right.  You heard me.  Not for us- although we want to receive things from it- but completely for the Lord.  We should not boast around and make it a huge show for all of mankind that we are fasting.  We shouldn't go around struttin' our stuff saying, "Oh, woe me! I'm starving since I'm fasting. Look at me! I'm suffering!"  That sort of takes away from that intimate time between you and God and makes it a prideful act.  That isn't a pure motive.  That isn't a pure anything.  That would be you wanting to glorify yourself- a gain for yourself and not Christ.  Our heart attitudes must be right and pure in order to produce spiritual results!  You can't possibly have the right motives while continuing in your pride and expect to gain spiritual results (Jeremiah 14:10;12)!

People, how can a show all about you possibly be about God?

So that, my friends, is what it means (in my opinion) to fast in secret.  Sure, you can fast and not tell anyone.  There's really nothing wrong in that.  But again, I think the point is to not flaunt this intimate and spiritual time with the whole world.

And that's what I was shown today.  That is all my friends.

Many blessings and much love,

Emily

Facade

I'm inhaling but I can't breathe
You've sucked the life from my lungs
Can you taste it?
Now I'm shriveled up and in heaves
I'm swept away by the blasts you throw at me
And im shattered but I still see
Have my bones pierced your words yet?
I'm scattered on the floor but my corneas still remain at the height of deception
But your deception has not deceived me
So when I search for some light
But all they see is your smile beaming at me
I see
The filth and grime that has built up but it won't build up on me
I can see
The facade and I will brush you away
By the skin of my teeth
I will untangle you from my very being
You will see. . .

part 3

my pulse waits for you

holds in anticipation

my lungs fail to work

you’ve snatched up my words

that wait to reverberate

exhale of relief

superfluous arent

meaningless words that linger

leave no mark to trace

lacking in over-

used sayings that hold no truth  

no words say it all

part 2

the tide drew her in
you rowed out to sea
to see if you could
grasp on to your dream

waves push her closer
currents keep you far
push through the whitecaps
drawing in her heart

send out the lifeboat
with you in its core
throw her your life ring
she'll join you on board

row back together
to sand covered shore
grasp onto her heart
join into accord

snowflake

intricate design
you write your will as you stride
to my hand-- your grave

part 1

waiting at the shore
its waters erode the grains
rolling o'er again

currents bring her near
but each tide draws her away
she sits on the boat

helpless like a child
whose mother has yet to wean
waters fight for her

alas, still you sit
as you still wait on the shore
winds will win the war

sails trap air to guide
gently she will make her way
to your open shore

but you, build an oar
so that you might reach her to
help her to your shore